Sunday, August 30, 2009

Utter Exhaustion.

Summer in the City was exhausting.

It was a lot of other things, like exciting and fun and new and busy and kind of hard, but overall the best adjective to use is definitely "exhausting".

Saturday morning I woke up at Emma's with her and Jerry, and was feeling very sort of apathetic about everything. We lazed around, went online, ate some food, took our time getting ready... we finally left to meet up with everyone at Hyde Park and got to the gathering about 2 and a half hours late. Oops.

There were probably double the amount of people there the second day. It was a little overwhelming, actually, seeing SO MANY PEOPLE all connected by the same website, all just milling around in a park. There was about another hour or so of mingling, chatting, signing things, taking pictures, meeting new people, etc. I got to see J0ames (whom I'd met for the first time when I was here back in March) and I got to speak with Anna (Coinkidink) a bit more and my new lovely friend Claire whom I'd only known due to a few exchanged emails in the past weeks, and another James, who apparently was at LeakyCon even though I didn't meet him there.

At one point Emma nudged me because she saw Alex walking off alone, so I followed him because I couldn't handle another whole day of being in the same place and not speaking. I caught up to him finally and we chatted for about 10-15 minutes about surface level things, and that went pretty okay. Then we decided to get food together, grabbed a few of our friends, and headed off in search of pizza. We never found pizza, but instead found a pub that we sat in, eating and drinking and conversing for at least an hour. It was nice, but it felt weird. I wont deny that. The fact is that it felt the same, only that we weren't dating. That's.. I dunno.

At this point we decided to go back to the gathering only to find that everyone was heading off to the place where the gig was going to be that night, so we turned right around and headed to the tube to get to the Luminaire. Turns out we were early, so we sat in ANOTHER pub for awhile, where I got to know the likes of James (both of them), Anna and Claire a lot better (Jerry and Emma were there as well, obviously. We were inseparable all weekend).

When we finally headed over to the gig (which was literally right next door, upstairs), they didn't want to let us in.
Because it was "full".
I pulled the "I came all the way from SEATTLE" card, and the bouncer didn't give a crap, and then a girl came out and saw me and Jerry huddled by the door and was like "Oh these two NEED to get in" and after a few frantic text messages and me getting a bit red in the face, another guy was like "Oh just let them up." Bless him.

The gig was fun, kind of.

I really started to understand the full scope of how powerful music can be though, as two of the songs that were played over the course of the night were songs that had a lot of meaning to me with regard to a certain recent relationship I was in. It kind of made me get a bit messy, though that might have had to do with the shots of tequila Jazza's friends decided it would be a good idea to keep giving me.

I don't want to talk about it anymore, but I hope to never experience another night like that ever again in my life. It was too hard. It was too incredibly hard and I know I am going to need to go into iTunes and delete a lot of my favorite songs for a very long time, at least until they don't mean anything to me anymore. And probably not drink for awhile.

I am just so, so, so, so incredibly thankful I have people in my life like Jerry and J0ames and Jazza and the other James and Liam who are always there for me and would never make me cry or leave me to take care of myself. Claire and Anna and Becky and Emma and Johnny and Tino and Gary and everyone here is so amazing, and I got a bit emotional Saturday night about going home eventually too... because even though there are things in London that I definitely need to get away from, there are also a lot of wonderful people here that I don't know what I am going to do without them.

It sucks, because I came to London wanting to fall in love with it, because I assumed this would eventually be my second home. And now, after being here a month, and realizing I like it a lot more than I ever thought I would... well, it's just not going to be anymore. That idea of spending months here at a time for the rest of my life is still so fresh in my brain that it's hard to shake the notion... but now when I go home at the end of next month... who KNOWS when I'll be back. :/

Okay, but on that note, I met Stephen (3sixty5days) from Red at the gig! And we were super excited to meet each other and super excited about my coming to Dublin next week to film things with him and Adam (whataboutadam) for Red. So that was a good part of the night!

We took a cab home and that was the end of SITC Day #2. x.x

Days until I leave: 24
Times I've had Indian food: 10


Jerry Cooke said...

As I said last night - we're here for you because you're here for us too; we all need each other at some point - there are times last year where if felt like you were the only friend I had that was there for me and I appreciated that more than I ever put into words. Most of all, it comes down to love and respect I guess, the people like you who I feel closest to are are the people I feel the most shared love and respect with - which is why I'd never let them down <3

...aannd now I'm tearing up again.

Al said...

Sounds like you're having a pretty fun time, despite everything that's gone on. Things DO get better even when they never feel like they will. Just make the most out of the time you have left, you don't want to get home and realize you let this opportunity pass you by because of a guy, no matter who that guy was. You have some awesome people in your life who are there for you, which is pretty amazing so at least you have that.

Anonymous said...

*hugs*, Kristina. <3

Anonymity said...

I really hope everything gets better and If I were the one to decide all this, I would wish that nothing bad would EVER happen to you, but tough times com without warning and that's what friends are for. Besides, you're in London! Don't let a guy (however lousy) ruin your time. You deserve better. Made of Awesome people only come along once in a lifetime. You're lucky to know that those people will care for you and appreciate you because sometimes that's what you need; those kind of people.

Anonymous said...

All and all it sounds like you've got some pretty loyal and caring friends. That's genuine. Everything happens for a reason, even if you don't quite understand now.

Samantha said...

Sounds like a terribly draining day, I'm glad you had some close friends with you while you were experiencing it! Hope you have a great time in Dublin :] and I'm jealous you have such a sweet friend like Jerry!

theresa said...

oh dear kristina...
though it doesn't feel like it and is little comfort right now anyway: the day will come when it won't hurt anymore!

just saw a movie i had seen in cinema with my very first love, who soon after broke my heart..
and now without any stitches in my chest, not even an awkward feeling, or sad nostalgic memories, i actually enjoy the film more than i used to the first time^^

one day you look back on this time and you will be proud of yourself how you've gone through it and have finally overcome it!!

and till then, you've got your friends, who seem quite awesome by the way, and hard times make you come even closer...

so, all the best for you,
'cause that's what you are worthy of and deserve!!

SlytherinSweetie said...

That really does sound exhausting.
And Kristina, you have amazing, caring, and loyal friends. Thank God for that, cos people like that are really hard to come across. And I really hope the whole guy situation doesn't bum you out for too much longer. So, live it up in London. Sure, ONE guy made it not-so-nice, but you have lots of friends there to make your time even better. Hope you start to feel happy, and perky again, Kristina. *SUPERHUGS*


Jocelyn said...

Why can't you spend months at a time in London? Why can't it still be your second home? Just because you don't have a boyfriend there doesn't mean that notion is completely done. There are obviously plenty of people there who are worth it. So, you know, follow your heart.

the_who_ru said...

I'm not surprised you're exhausted from what I've heard about SitC all over the Internet. I'm incredibly jealous though; I really wish I could have gone, and I don't even live that far from London!

I'm sorry not everything is as perfect as it could be - hope things sort out for you soon. <3

On a lighter note, my iPod just started playing your 'Ssss sss ssss' song from 'Spattergroit', and I love the flute part in it! I will have to work it out by ear on my flute when I get home from my dad's tomorrow.

Best wishes from Sussex/Surrey. :)

Kristen said...

That's the thing about music, it has the power to make you feel so much and when you affix them to a certain place or person you risk feeling the loss of the thing you cared about everytime you hear it. I think anyone who has suffered a broken heart knows what you've been through (but of course not in the exact same way) Sending a virtual hugs and here's to finding some new awesome tunes : )

kira902k said...

It really sounds like you have been having a hard time, but you also seem to be coping surprisingly well with it. You are a very strong person Kristina, don't you forget it.
I know you'll have a good time in your next 27 days there. At least I hope you will.
Even if London won't exactly be your second home, at least you're getting to spend a few months there! That's a chance that a lot of people don't even get to have.
I'm personally quite jealous :P

Hoping your well,

RhianonLives said...

It must be really hard, I know how used you'd gotten to Alex_ you know, from seeing him in your videos and reading about how you missed him in your blog and everything... I hope you meet someone a thousand times better, because, HONESTLY, I never thought he was good enough for you. I know that might not be what you want to hear, but I just thought you were so much more into the relationship than he was... And that he's sort of plain and rude whereas you are, well, Kristina =)
Have fuuuun, hope to read ya soon !

Anonymous said...

Sounds like you had a fun and a tough time all at once.

I know what you mean about music. I was unable to listen to classic rock for months and months after my stepdad died. Then, one time, my friends got me really drunk and I started singing this song that he used to play on the guitar and I just cried and cried. Thank god I was amongst friends I really love and trust. Sounds like you are among friends like that too.

I guess my point in telling you that is breaking up is like a death of a loved one.

Annnd on that note, have fun in London, be safe, and keep bloggin :)

Anonymous said...

I've been there! Basically I had the whole notion of a second family, and a whole life and lost it. You pull through it. I promise, promise, promise! You have so many people behind you and a good support system and it's good you realize this! Now try to have as much fun as possible this last month or so! And tell us all about it!

Anonymous said...

I went to London during my backpacking journey for 2 reasons. 1. I always wanted to go and 2. my ex fell in loved w/ the city and always talked about it.

I was nervous long before I got there because I was afraid I was going only cuz maybe I can find the ex there (figuratively). And even when I got there, I was nervous & scared too.

I then realized why I wanted to go there in the first place. After dropping my stuff off at the BBC (my host worked there), she directed me to the Thames. When I saw it for the first time along with the Eye, Big Ben & the House of Parliament, I fell in love. I was there for myself and for no one else (well, maybe for the Doctor).

I'm glad I went. I don't know when I'll be back, but I will cherish it always.

Cherish the rest of your time Kristina. Remember why you're there and fall in love w/ London over and over again.

hayleyghoover said...

Maybe I'm really tired or something, but I almost cried reading about you talking to Alex. I have no idea. But I did.

Keep in mind that while you'll miss the UK, America needs you. My phone needs you.

Anonymous said...

Date Jazza, problem solved!

Unless you dated him last year already and it didn't work out between you two for a specific reason or something...but if not, I say he's a catch. And a better one than nerimon!

Umm otherwise, date Claire/Emma/Becky/Anna. ;P

JustMargaret said...

There are PLENTY of guys in London who can make it your second home! Just because one of them is too stupid to realize how amazing you are doesn't mean all of them are.

Plus, who says you need a MAN to visit London? Do what you want, regardless of what Alex, or any other guy thinks.

Ravenclaw2313 said...

Glad that you got a chance to meet some wonderful new friends. That is the entire point of going to SITC. You went to see friends you already had and meet wonderful new ones that can draw you back to the UK for years to come. Having friends can make London a second home if you want it to.

Music is a tough thing to deal with. It is so powerful and can cause all sorts of feelings and emotions. "Don't Stop Believing" will forever make me think of happy times with MoM, but I had to take "If" by House of Heroes off my itunes for months when I got dumped.

So fill your ipod with songs about happy times, because I Know you have them, and enjoy you remaining time with friends new and old!

Kiana said...

Kristina, you are amazing. I think you have actually been incredibly strong throughout this entire situation.
You have wonderful friends who have helped you tremendously but most importantly, they are able to help you as much as they have because you've allowed them to.
You truly want to move forward and thus, have made yourself capable of doing just that.
Of course there will be downs, that is expected, especially because of the short amount of time that has lapsed and the whirlwind of complicated events and situations that have come up.
Overall, I applaud your stamina and, should I ever be in a situation remotely similar to yours, I hope I'll be able to begin regaining stability as readily as you have. :)

Pippa said...

I was in that same situation about two weeks ago. Crowded party, the song, the guy, the alcohol, and the heartbreak. If I knew you I would give you a hug but instead I'll just settle for, "I know the feeling and it sucks but it gets better." It sounds like you have some great friends so focus on the good stuff.

Hope you feel better!

but the name is Tarah. said...

I know nothing I say will make the whole Alex predicament less painful, but Kristina, you're an incredibly extraordinary person.

And it's all gonna be okay <3

Chrystie said...

you made it through the gathering and that night and the thing to remember here is that you won't have to do it again. The first "seeing him after the break-up" has happened. sorry your night was kind of notsome. but things will get better, hang in there!

absolutemediocrity said...

The weirdest part of the whole internet thing is you end up feeling like you are friends with people who have no idea that you actually exist. So, when I hear about you hurting, I just wanna run up, give you a big hug, and tell you that you're an incredible person that has amazing things to look forward to in the future & this whole debacle will just end up being a story you tell to friends in the future while laughing.

I know, I know, it's all cliched, but it's a cliche for a reason. You got dealt a rough hand & it knocked you for a loop, but you'll pick yourself up, brush yourself, and start a new adventure tomorrow.

“Nobody can go back and start a new beginning, but anyone can start today and make a new ending.”

Michael said...


janitorbud said...

i am so jealous of you meeting stephen and adam.

<3 i really hope you get to be your peppy self all the time again soon.

cheers, love

ps: i'm not good at trying to make people feel better. i guess sometimes i think "if they feel bad, they feel bad. they'll feel better when they're done feeling bad"

Gary + Cheeky said...

Aww thanks for the has to be said...Jerry is so lovely. x

globalgamble said...

Easiest way to knock off a continent? What a compelling motivation. Seriously, why don't you stay home and let someone with a true passion prevail.

Your essay is void of any respect and understanding of the sacred polar ground you seek. I'm sorry, but I am afraid you are so clueless.