Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Bittersweet end of trip things

I haven't written a blog post in awhile and I feel weird about it.

There have been things happening in my life (yes, again) that I haven't been able to get past, and it's been stopping me from saying anything really, on this blog. Sometimes it hits me how much of my soul is bared for the world to see and I just have to reel it in a little bit.

I left off on Tuesday morning of last week.

I installed Snow Leopard the other day, and it keeps autocorrecting my spelling errors on textedit, which it never did before. It's freaking me out.
(I type my blog posts up on textedit before putting them in blogger. Habit. I don't even give myself the chance of accidentally losing an entire blog entry by accidentally clicking back or forward on the page or something, after how many times that's happened in the past).

Anyway, Tuesday. I endured a long day of walking through the rain, waiting for people's phone calls, being grumpy and eventually spending a relatively awkward night at Alex's with him and Charlie. On our laptops. So that was eventful.

I did finally get a copy of Catching Fire though, which I have been trying to savor so I have something really good and exciting to do on the plane home tomorrow.

So the Alex time was weird and a blur, and the next morning I got up, packed up a few of my things, and went back to Heathrow. I had one more trip to Dublin planned, to do more filming with RTE for ApartmentRed stuff. I had an absolute blast, again. Spending time with Adam (whataboutadam, to clarify) has been one of my favorite parts of this trip, and filming with the rest of the cast was just as fun as the first time. I had more lines this time, and filmed a scene inside a cardboard box with Stephen, and just all around enjoyed all of my second venture up to Ireland. I got to know the rest of the cast a lot better as well, and I am sad I wont get to work with Damon, Dermot and Esther on a regular basis after this. I hate that Seattle is so far from Ireland!

Wednesday night Adam and I went out for Indian food with Aaron (the guy in charge of ApartmentRed) and Dermot, which was naturally a highlight for me. Thursday night Stephen took us to see Jimmy Carr with his friend Barry, which was exciting. I thought he was a bit too vulgar for my taste, but I wont deny he had me laughing at some points. Plus we had front row seats. During the intermission we went to a little shop and I tried to buy the most non-American food I could (since my time here is growing shorter), so I bought Lucozade and a Sausage Roll. Adam also got this candy bar called "Yorkie" and made me try it, even though I felt strange doing so, as it said "NOT FOR GIRLS" plainly on the side. Weirdo candy bars. Also, the Lucozade exploded all over me. Fun times.
Friday was pretty uneventful, but Adam and I had lunch with Orlagh, who is the new Red employee who oversees the actors I suppose, and she was nice. We talked about doing interesting Media things in college and she offered to send me her Thesis. Haha. I made my way into a few gift shops as well, since I'm a tourist and silly.

Friday night I got back to London and I was supposed to go back to Alex's, but due to… unforeseen circumstances, that didn't end up happening. So I carted myself over to Rosi's house (without any of my luggage) to stay at her place.

Saturday morning I went into London to hang out with Emma and Claire, and we went shopping and I got to experience Wagamama, and then we sat in a Starbucks for awhile. I savored the chocolate and caramel shortbread bar I purchased, because I don't think they have them in America and I LOVE them. How I will survive without the chocolate and caramel shortbread bar, I haven't grappled with yet.
Claire went home and Emma and I headed over to j0ames's house, where we did the aforementioned (previous blog post) Derren Brown chair sticking activities. I was so glad I got to see him again before I left.

I could go on, I suppose, but I am tired of typing things and I need to start packing because my flight leaves tomorrow and I have stuff all over Rosi's guestroom and I have another full day planned today in London. I am feeling so bittersweet about leaving, it's insane. I want to go home SO BADLY, and get the heck away from London and everything that's happened here. I need a "then" and "now" version of my life and I need to stuff all of these horrible and confusing feelings into the "then" category.
But on the other hand.. the support group I have had here, and the friends I have gotten so close to, and just the ridiculous amount of fun times I DID have… I'm not ready to leave that behind.

The idea of not seeing Rosi, or my new friend Claire, or Johnny or James or Liam or Jerry or even the people I didn't get to see as much like Tom and Ashlee and Anna and Cheeky Gary and Alex Hinksman … two months is a long time to be here and feel like you're becoming part of a different world, and to know that I am walking away from all of it to go home, far away from this life and these people, tomorrow morning, is scary. I honestly have more friends in London than I do in Seattle. The people I miss at home, in general, are scattered out across the whole of America and I don't know when I will see them next either. :/

I really.. started to feel like I lived here, even though I was house hopping and never sure where I was going to be on a particular day. But I have gotten used to the tube. I have gotten used to these people; these friends. I have gotten used to London and GBP and not driving and knowing I have plenty of people I could call if I need anything here.

And Emma. I don't know HOW I am going to say goodbye to Emma. I don't know what we would have done this summer without each other.

I'm afraid I'm going to feel MORE lonely at home than I did here.

School starts soon. Maybe everything will be different. Maybe I'll be busy and meet new people and.. I don't know. I have been handed a fresh start and I suppose it's time to take it.


Han said...

Kristina my lovely :)

London will still be here and I know it's not the same as actually seeing someone in person but the world is getting smaller (i guess metaphorically speaking!)

Hope school goes well when you get back :) I woke up this morning thinking I had to get up for Uni then I realise I just had to get up for work and that sucked (I've been graduated over two years! Whats going on?!)


Eddy said...

I can't believe it has been 2 months since you went to London. I know the trip didn't turnout completely the way you had dreamed it would, but it sounds like there were definitely some fun times.

I've enjoyed reading your blog on this trip. I've been happy when you were happy and sad when things didn't work out.

Just so you don't feel left out when you get back home, UW beat USC in football 16-13 on Saturday. That's all everyone has been talking about.

Come home, enjoy your Fiesta, and remember to drive on the right side of the road.

aimée-louise said...

i just wanted to thank you for writing this blog. so many people appreciate what you have to say, and genuinely care or worry about you even though you're almost a stranger.

hopefully you'll be able to come back to london in the near future, when you're feelings have changed and you can enjoy EVERY minute.

wishing you a safe flight and a well-needed reunion with friends/family over the pond.
keep smiling!

x aimée-lou x

omgitslouise said...

Is the caramel and chocolate shortbread thing, Millionaire Shortbread? I love that so much it's unbelievable, seriously, one of my favourite foods ever. It's so good!! Have a good trip home! :] <3

Katie said...

I don't know what to say really, besides good luck and I hope everything goes well. The last day, the flight home, and the return to Seattle. Hopefully you see all your American friends asap!

Best wishes! <3

alanasays said...

I just arrived back a week ago from my 4 month stint in the UK and have had a bit of reverse culture shock. I think the best way to deal with it, is to just throw yourself back in to your life, keep busy, try and re-get to know your city and take up new hobbies.

So I've been told anyway by more experienced travellers than I am. I'm yet to leave my house for a reason other than food so we'll see how getting back to normality goes for me next week. :-)

Ravenclaw2313 said...

Sorry to hear that your problems resurfaced in your last few days. Still it seems like you had a lot of fun especially filming for RED. Best of luck with the flight and getting back into the swing of things. Can't wait to hear how you feel about being home.

Martin K. Smith said...

@omgitslouise I came here to ask the exact same question about Millionaire Shortbread. haha. If you really miss it though, Kristina, there are plenty recipes online. You might have better luck searching for Millionaire Shortbread though, as opposed to, "chocolate and caramel shortbread bar".

The captcha is "wasther", which to me reads "waste her", which is kinda creepy.

Amanda said...

You make me say "aww", several times throughout this post. You're quite lovely ;)

A said...

Cheer up, love. If you were to live in London you wouldn't have the same support either, because living there doesn't require the same amount of help as visiting and househopping.

Take your fresh start and enjoy every minute of it. Before and After and Looking for Alaska. Go find your great beyond. (Without death, please.)

(Might type up a better response later but I'm in class xD)

bassrocks9 said...

About 2 minutes after I read this blog post, "This is Never Going to End" popped into my head! "This is never, this is never gonna end, It really can’t end, ’cause we’ve made too damn many friends, Oh this is never, this is never going to die, So dry those tears ’cause it’s never really ‘Good-Bye’"
Yay. I think you should listen to your own lyrics. Yes, you may be physically leaving London, but the strong emotional bonds you made there will tie you to there, and eventually you will have to go back or your friends will come visit you.

Chloe said...

I'm glad there's been some sweet mixed in with the bitter whilst you've been over here :) I hope things pick up for you and you get on alright at uni :) Been great reading about it (and your trip to Rome too!) and I hope you settle in quickly to being back in the US :)

Kris said...

It's good to know that, while this trip may have had some ups and downs for you, that you're able to see the good that has come out of it, rather than solely focusing on the negative.

Also, I found this recipe for you. It might not be the same...but it might be worth a shot. After all, chocolate caramel shortbread sounds AWESOME: http://fooddownunder.com/cgi-bin/recipe.cgi?r=62043

Cheers, and have a safe flight home!

seurat2 said...

Sad to hear that something else went wrong in your life these last few days, that's not what you needed or deserved. You did need and deserve however the love and support of a lot of friends there, new and old, and you did get that. I'm glad you are going home and also glad that part of you dowsn't wnat to go since that means you managed to have some good times over there anyway. Have a good, safe and uneventful trip home.

iola_whitten said...

i hope you have a good flight home and school goes well for you.

i really enjoy reading your blog


hayleyghoover said...


Anonymous said...

The world really IS getting smaller. I understand the feeling, leaving things behind and not being sure if you want to. I'm sorry that you're stuck between the two places, but you have so many great people around the WORLD to count on :)

I'm so glad you've had such a great trip, I hope your flight home is well <3

Jerry Cooke said...

I really do wish I could have seen more of you these past two months; those few days in London weren't nearly enough! Emma too, I really liked getting to know her a bit better, I need to make an effort to see her and James more often.

I'm going to miss you something terrible Tinaface, you're one my my very favourite people on this big ol' planet of ours and I love you dearly, I'll always be at the other end of an internet connection; friends for life? <3

Anonymous said...

It's so weird you used to have a countdown to go home. I AM SO GLAD that your trip turned around and that you're sad to see it all end. It will definitely be nice to know you're back in the US though and HOPEFULLY making more youtube videos because WE MISS YOU! At the same time I'm sorry you have to leave all of your UK friends. They will miss you just as much! You'll see them all again eventually and just remember the good times you have had!

Have a new start this semester in the US and make more friends nearby! So many you don't know how to keep up with them all!

Andrew said...

Someone above said they were glad there was some sweet in your bitter, but i think its the other way around. I'm glad its hard for you to leave because it means you've had a good time, even with all the sh.. thats happened to you here.

Anyway i agree with Han, when she says that the world is getting smaller. You of all people should know that you dont need to be in the same city or country with someone to be their friend, to communicate and to have fun. You've been doing that with 4 other awesome girls for over a year and a half, and you'll continue to do so with all the other awesome people you've met over your 2 months.

As for Jimmy Carr, i love him, im sorry you found him a bit crude but you should definately seek out more of his stuff, he always cheers me up when im down.

When you started this trip, i had never heard of Kristina Horner. By the end of it, thanks in no small amount to your blogging, i feel like i want to be your friend and take care of you. Because you are such a star, and one that the UK will miss. Have a safe trip home, and i fully expect you will find a reason for next monday to be awesome :).

Weston said...

Leaving is nice, but I think getting home is nicer.

Poptarts will be here waiting for you

kira902k said...

I hope you had a good last day in London, and I hope you had a good flight. I know a lot of the trip didn't turn out how you wanted it to, but at least you had those few perfect days. These days, towards the end. And remember, even though you're back in America, you're friends in Britain still remain your friends. And you'll for sure be going back sometime.
And for now, you get to see everyone you've missed from Seattle, and you get to be closer to all your other American friends.
And, like you said, school's starting, it'll be like a new start for you.
I hope all goes well.
I'm sorry if it's weird for me to be saying all these things when I don't actually know you. But I do care.
Chin up,

Kaytee said...

Very nice to hear you stayed and discovered so much of europe! London was never about a boy, it was always all about you -- and you did it! you conquered the hell out of that city and so much more. you are leaving there gaining so much more than you did when you first arrived. the good, the bad, the ugly = a very great learning opportunities.

Tess said...

I hope you have an amazing trip home and can cope with leaving everyone behind! I know you'll be fine; you got through this roller coaster of a trip just fine with some amazing memories.

ALSO- when you get back to SeaTac and go into the car park, can you mention if the cars suddenly look HUGE to you? Because the last time I came back to Seattle from being in Europe, all the cars suddenly looked waay too big.

Kristen said...

Enjoy the time you have left over there. Trust me, the moments of your life go into the "then" folder alot faster than you expect as you get older. Oh, maybe that's just me.... Anyway just wanted to say thanks for writing about this adventure you've been on. I really appreciate it. Oh, and yeah, English chocolate is way better than American. I need some pronto!

Rosianna said...

I miss you already, but we've discussed our grand travel plans over the next few years and who knows, maybe I'll meet you on a beach in Thailand some day :)

Emily said...

I really like your idea of "then" and "now" boxes.
I wish I could do that.
Or that life would change more steadily so that we didn't have to do that.
But where would the fun in that be?

Have a safe trip home!

Chloé said...

I know what you mean about exposing your life on the internet. It kind of felt weird seeing you and knowing a lot more about yourself than you knew about me. I'm glad we got to hang out though! I hope you're getting used to being back home after all this travelling :)

VicMorrowsGhost said...

See what you would have missed if you quit. Knew you could make it luv.


I do hope everything will be okay when you go back to Seattle and try to start over. Fresh starts are one of the best things life has to offer :) <3 ( I've already sent the book, btw =) )

imagryffindork said...

ive always wanted to go to london, but ithink i might be too in love with it to leave. even though some not so lovely stuff happened, its wonderful that you made hte most of it. welcome back to america, love. now go eat some poptarts. :)

Draven Cullen said...

I have not been to London but you would not believe how much I envied you! I have wanted to go to London for so long but I don't know anyone.
I think its awesome that you had a good time, for the most part.

Jordan said...

I totally feel your pain. I have more friends in the place I did study abroad than I do at home too.

You'll just have to learn to bake caramel shortbread sadly. I was going to offer to make/send you some but I don't think confectionary will survive transatlantic mail. Same goes for indian food!

Also notice how yorkie have the cleverest slogan ever. Guys feel secure that they aren't buying girly chocolate, girls think "I'll show them!"

sammie said...

hey im not a regular commener on here but i wish to say i offer my condolences that things didnt work out for you with alex however, i could go on by saying that there are more fish in the sea however that never helps so i shall leave you with a quote from a good friend of mine "boys smell" ^_^
and also one of my own :P
"in an alternate universe i would have blue eyes"

hope you feel happy soon love you lots
sammie :p

Elayne said...

I can't believe it's been this long. It seems like just a week ago you were vlogging about how excited you were when you found out you got to go to London, and now it's been all this time and...

It really makes me think about all the things that have happened to me in that time. All the things I was looking forward to that turned out crappy, all the things I never knew about that turned into the best things ever.

Moral of the story, I guess, is that you really honestly will NEVER KNOW what's going to happen to you and how it's going to turn out, but life is short and just roll with it.


Anonymous said...

Have a safe trip home<3 :)

Nicholas said...

Coming home is always weird, not because it's a different home, but because it's a different you.