One of the scariest things about life, I'm finding, is that you need to be able to count entirely, 100% on yourself. You have to be able to be okay being alone, and be able to take care of yourself, make your own happiness, and not just completely fall apart if someone/something doesn't live up to the expectation you have for them. Even if those expectations aren't very high. This includes friends, school, jobs, boyfriends, everything.
This is something I've been struggling with.
Right now I am in the process of "growing up", learning to not be as dependent on my parents, graduating from college, considering career paths, having to think about money and credit and bills and insurance, thinking about where I want to live - and all of these things are scary. And a lot of times I feel like I am making all of these decisions completely on my own. Sometimes I still wish there was someone holding my hand through this hard stuff.
So it's really easy to then shift some of that weight to the other people in your life, if they're there. It makes it a lot easier (though not necessarily healthy) to base hard decisions in your life on other people. To see what steps they're taking in their lives. Or to count on them to make you feel better when you have too much going on. Or to even use your interaction with them as an escape from reality.
But you CAN'T rely that much on people. You just can't. At least I've never been able to. They have their own stuff going on, their plans may change in an instant, they forget to call or break your plans, they move out of the state; and then where does that leave you?
One thing that I am learning very quickly is that if you don't look out for yourself, no one else will. No one else is going to put you first. I mean, aside from your parents, but as a 22 year old, it's natural to want to not have to fall back on that for everything.
I've never had the courage to just make a drastic life change on my own before. I wanted to go to an out-of-state school for college, but ended up chickening out and staying in Washington. I wanted to study abroad in India for an entire quarter, but ended up doing a shorter month-long program in London, where I know loads of people. I want to try living in a new place after I graduate, but the idea of picking up and moving somewhere new all by myself terrifies me.
I don't want to be afraid to take big leaps. I quit my job last Tuesday because I want to start being the pro-active change I want to see in my own life. I worked there for 4 years and was really comfortable, and that's the very reason I quit. I wanted to take away my safety net. I want to force myself into new situations.
I'm getting cold feet about starting to live in "the real world" after graduation, but I don't want my fear of the unknown and of being alone to be my own downfall. On the same note, I also don't want my mediocre experiences with people in my past to impact my future ability to trust those around me. I don't want to end up as a Cat Lady, alone in my one bedroom apartment, cupboards stocked full of Spaghetti-os and Fancy Feast (ha, I've been reading Miss Hoover's blog. We both fear the Spaghetti-o lifestyle).
I don't really know what my point is. Basically, I am a little bit scared right now. I am trying to learn how to have utter confidence in myself so that when that scary time does get here, in less than six months, "myself" will be enough to keep me successful and happy. I'm tired of projecting my needs onto other people and allowing myself to be disappointed over and over.
I'm also unemployed, now. Which is more liberating than scary. I finally have time to actually dedicate to my school work. I can actually spend time working on music and videos and writing, instead of squeezing it in between school and work. I'm giving myself 6 months, to see if I can be successful without working, and then this fall, maybe I'll get an internship. Maybe I'll have written a book. Who knows. But I am tired of waiting around for something great to happen to me. I want to go make things happen for myself. :)
Chipotle burritos: 7
wash your ass every day
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