Old People 101

I'm at work later than I usually am because I have to run the subscription table (that annoying girl in the skirt in the lobby saying "have you resubscribed for next year? Have you seen next year's season?" when all you want to do is empty your bladder and buy a cookie).
The point is that I can hear Act 1 of Showboat playing over the monitors, but my manager left her ipod on in the box office as well so I have a really strange mash-up of "Can't Help Lovin' That Man of Mine" and Eminem. It's an experience.


One of my favorite parts of my job is that I get to sit at the window and run willcall, which means I get to pass out tickets to a crowd of primarily old people.

Being that I have worked here for 3 years now, and it is a theatre, and lots of elderly folk attend the theatre, I have found there are distinct categories of old people which I will now explain:

1. The Hearing Aid:
"Hi are you picking up your tickets?"
"What?"
"Your tickets. Are you picking them up?"
"WHAT?"
"DO YOU NEED YOUR TICKETS?"
"Honey, I'm an old woman, you're going to need to speak a bit slower."
"Do. You. Have. Tickets. At. Willcall?"
"Oh, no. I have them already. Where's the bathroom?"

2. The Grouch:
This brand of old person has seen too many things, been to too many shows, perhaps birthed too many children, and to top it all off, it all seems to be MY fault. This brand of old person scowls at your eyeshadow, turns their nose up at your pink tights, scoffs at the rock music playing softly in the box office, and can't BELIEVE I would charge her an exchange fee after she's been coming to this theatre for THIRTY-FIVE years. Sigh.

3. The Jokester:
Lots of older men, I find, particularly at 60ish or above, delight in making young people laugh. Especially girls. For instance, a man today sauntered up to the window and says, "Have you seen my wife? I always seem to lose her. She's about yay tall, has white hair, wearing a skirt..." and proceeds to point into a sea of women all matching that description, winks at me, and then immediately cracks up. Usually these men's jokes aren't particularly funny, but it's all in the delivery. I know he came over SPECIFICALLY to be funny in front of a young girl, so I always give them a laugh. The wink is priceless, too.

4. The Flirt:
There is a certain point in a man's life where flirting with younger girls switches from creepy and unnacceptable to cute. This is again usually sometime after the 65-70 year range. A man came today to get his half-price military discount and I smiled at him before telling him he was about 15 minutes too early. He smirked at me and said "Well I could go get a cup of coffee and wait with my buddy here, or I could stay at the window and talk to a pretty lady." Again with the wink. These men seem to get themselves in trouble when they do this in front of their wives. Especially if their wives are of the Grouch variety.

Some people are great with computers. Some know everything there is to know about office supplies. Some can make a Subway sandwich like the world is ending tomorrow.

Me? I well versed in the subject of Old People.